It's quite nostalgic, being here again.
A lot has happened, but none of that really matters I suppose.
All that matters is that I'm back where I was.
But fatter.
After being admitted at 102, I began recovery.
I don't even want to check the scales.
In any case, I am going to go down this path again.
Wish me luck.

i cant do this anymore.
i cant stop throwing up.
i cant stop counting calories.
i cant stop checking my scale...

i am forced to drink nutrition shakes in front of my dad twice a day.
he sniffs the toilet every time i use the restroom to make sure i dont throw up.
i am in hell.

i weigh 115lbs now.

i feel like a fat ass though...

i hate myself now.
i hate this obsession...
i'd rather be dead.
i cant carry out a single fucking conversation with my family without talk of my fucking disorder.

i'm going to the doctor next monday.
there, my dad is sending me to a nutritionist and a therapist.
they cant help me.
no one can...

someone... please help me...

I hate her.

ihateherihateherihateher....

She always watches me eat.

I trick her, but she is so fucking annoying.

I wish she would just move out already.

Altogether crappy day.

Tomorrow's Easter UGGGH.

Good day. I think.

I want new clothes.

Any of you having the "too-big" crisis?

All of my shorts are currently falling to my ankles.

I hate it, but love it all the same.  

<3 

 

If you are reading this...

then you are beautiful.

Today I thought about my best friend...

She used to always come up to me and tell me "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" and hug me in her fragile little arms. 

I had never even thought about eating disorders then.

She made me feel PRETTY.

God, you better treat her her like a fucking princess.

Cuz the world needs more people who aren't afraid to tell someone that they are 

beautiful

Now that she's gone;

- I miss the days when two simple words were all it took to make me happy.

- I wish I could have told her that she was beautiful.

- I wish I could have been as pure and sweet as she had been...

 I guess you never really know what you've got til it's gone. 

 

Today has been okay.

I think.

 

IN:

breakfast 

Green Tea & a small bowl of cereal. 

*didn't actually eat most of the cereal. flushed it.

lunch

A banana & more tea.

*couldn't finish the banana.

dinner

A delicious egg white & spinach salad w/ light raspberry vinegrette. Mmmm.

*about a cup.

snacks

2 mints.

OUT:

Intense Just Sweat Program on Just Dance.

*2000+ sweat points. that's a little over 400 cal. 

15 minutes of treading. Then it started hailing...

*WTF?

annnd I'm getting ready to go do my ab workouts.

Then have some tea...

<3 

 

I'm doing better. Sorry for the recent posts!

I have found a new obsession with brewing some good ol' natural Green Tea. It increases my metabolism and is 0 cal! Love It.

Shedding off the lbs I gained during recovery. I'll be back soon!

  

Now, I need a plan to get down to 120...

I guess staying below 400 a day will get me there, considering I do at least 30-60 minutes of cardio on weekdays...

So, my days will go like this:

[In] 

Breakfast: Green Tea and a fruit or an egg. Maybe a healthy bowl a cereal. Yummy. (70-120 cal)

Lunch: Fruit. Don't really have a choice there. (80-100 cal)

After school: More Green Tea~ (0 cal)

Dinner: 1/2 a can of tuna. I love tuna. And maybe some Spinach. (80-140 cal? Not sure...)

Then more tea. (0) 

[Out] 

3-5 laps across my lake = 30-60 minutes of treading.

OR

45 minute bike ride.

OR

45 minute jog.

OR 

Something else. XD 

(ab workouts) 

50-100 crunches.

25-50 reverse sit ups.

60-120 seconds of plank.

60 seconds of superman.

30 ab thrusts.

60 seconds of wall-sits. (I hate these. Hurt like a mother!) 

This is just my little plan... Yes, it does sound nutrient deficient, but I am taking supplements to make sure that I get everything! 

So, If you have any suggestions, please, do tell!